By the time our relationship came to an end, we fought about the stupidest things, because we were both really fighting over who got to decide how I behaved. To be honest, I almost wonder if he said that because he felt he needed to say something (because maybe peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwiches arent the most common meal and sometimes its hard not to comment on that?) Boyfriend stopped calling me cute pet names. Expressing frustration towards behaviors? When he talks to me like that, it starts to cancel out all my confidence. Another pertinent question: How does BF react to advice given by LW? Piggybacking on this, just in case LWs partner is well-meaning-but-clumsy-at-expressing-his-desire-to-help and not maliciously-undermining-LW: I wonder if it would be possible, and if he were open to it, to do a few joint sessions with LWs therapist so the therapist can be a neutral party for them to air their viewpoints to and help them strategize better ways of interacting over these issues. Its just whining, the fact is that if you really care about someone, you want to impress them. It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. have your own lives outside of each other. Treats are a vital part of a healthy diet. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. Your efforts to change your partner's contrary viewpoints (financial, political, religious, or otherwise) have begun to feel demeaning or disrespectful to them, as betraying not only your. He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life. This probably represents a big change in your ongoing habit of communication, so take it easy on yourself as you attempt it (but attempt it). But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. His schedule may simply become too full and leave no room for romance. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. He just got bored, moved country and started again without divorcing. I feel like Ive learnt to spot the signs now, but I really didnt see them when I was less experienced. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. The BF sounds like he is familiar territory to you, treating you w/ the disregard & disrespect that as a child you were taught was your due. They're Cold To You And more than. Cosigned. I usually agree with our captain, but this time I see all those scripts as an exercise in trying to change him into a reasonable boyfriend even as hes trying to change you into someone who eats her vegetables. Like. And its also vanishingly unlikely that he can be moved out of the fixer mode. I knew I was terribly unhappy, but I felt like maybe our problems were our fault and if maybe I could just find the *right* way to ask for respect >.<, So yeah I agree like 99% that this is a DTMFA situation. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? He will always be someone who has a history of serious self harm, who has anxiety and gets very low mood crashes. Should I dump this asshole? recently printed a letter that said Anonymous asked: Things between us are going so poorly that Im writing into a blog called Yo Should I Dump this Asshole? If you want to impress them you try to look decent, plan something that sounds fun, and offer to pay. Telling me how logical he is. They threaten to break up with you all the time. He seems to be sorry for everything these days. No amount of broccoli is going to make you a better or worse person, and they are not giving out Perfect Most Understanding Trying Hardest Enough Girlfriend awards (and even if they were, itd be a shitty reward, like a 10% off coupon to some restaurant you dont want to go to anyhow, and not a spaceship like we were promised). LW, if he is not listening to your stated boundaries, its not because you are not being clear/logical/reasonable enough so he can understand. If this IS the case, he does mean well, but hes going about things all wrong. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. (not so much my mother. In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. First, lets consider the signs youll notice when your boyfriend stops making an effort. Which is, when you get down to it, rather like juxtaposing a floor mop and a ceiling duster as binary opposites the opposition is purely circumstantial, there are more similarities between the two than differences, and quite honestly, if pushed, either of them can perform the same tasks as the other if theyre the only thing to hand. In graduate school, there were entire weeks where all I ate was a huge wheel of frosted sugar cookies. I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. I still (as of right now) have hair pulling issues, and a few days ago i mangled a zit on my forehead, but it doesnt come with that looped soundtrack of badbadbadbadbad means if I so it I dont feel guilty and ashamed, which means I dont do do it more, to punish myself for being a fuckup, because now I know Im not. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. Cause this happens to me a lot, both with migraines and depression. He seems to need to control LW to feel in control of himself, and 2. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you? In the examples in the letter, the answer would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear. He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. LW, if you feel like this isnt the most useful idea for you, thats okay. That's the last thing you should do. There are people out there who will see you for how bright and funny and reasonable and cool you are. This would be crappy behavior from a parent toward a child, even. This should be stitched on a pillow. If he can hear criticism and change his behavior accordingly, then maybe thats a partnership that can be forged. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. And because each route is different, its harder to get into the but yesterday I cycled faster/further/whatever competition with yourself or others. A lot of the time, people feel like they need a Big Serious Reason (like I caught him bonking my sister or he burned my entire book collection then peed on the ashes) to dump someone. As the Captain and some of the Army have said, sometimes people need a bit of time to reset themselves mentally from caretaker, and weird things can stand in for anxiety about another person. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. Stop. Reasonable. (Side note, I knew Id keep my current partner when, about 3 hours after telling him about how I wanted to be healthier and asking him to help me, he walked in on me stress-eating a peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwich after a particularly stressful phone call, and his only comment was You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave. Thats love, folks.). may I say something? I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. Feelings of shame and guilt. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. All couples fight but if every single argument ever leads only to him feeling like you dont want to work on it, then that is definitely something for the two of you to discuss. Good job former-me! Whats done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary. The specific focus of the boyfriend on LWs food intake and physical exercise is major red flag. The Romantic Comedy You Should Watch This Valentines Day, Based On Your Zodiac Sign. I personally believe strongly that relationships work best when your partner loves you and likes you as you are now, while also supporting you growing and changing to become the version of yourself you aspire to be. What happened to the man who always knew what to say and how to make it all better? I dont know your boyfriend or all of the details. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . As usual, the Captain gives excellent, clear scripts. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. And while many of the attributes of that you do coincide with the you you aspire to be, it isnt necessarily a great overlap. Bliss. Yeah, there were also lots of couples who socialized together officially when there was an Official Occasion, while spending the rest of their time with their respective lovers (totally with each others knowledge and tacit consent). And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? Consider the ways in which your frustration with not receiving enough attention from your partner has made you more critical of . To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. I said You know, a lot of the time people do what they want in the moment & dont think it through, especially when theyre having powerful emotional impulses. He was like well that way of life doesnt make sense. This was highlighted in the response, but what JUMPED out at me was the bf not wanting the LW to be comfortable, because fuuuuck that. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. Youre going to hear things like thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. Youre going to hear back all the times youve expressed vulnerability or dissatisfaction with your life as proof that you cant possibly make decisions about anything. But let me tell you a little of my story. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. 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