Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from. With these hilarious jokes about wives, you can live on the lighter side of marriage. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. From a cat-alogue. WebI thought Id surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. Check out all these one-liner jokes and save them until one of your friends or family celebrates their birthdays. Aye matey! I took a Viagra the other day. WebThe monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. Funny can be good: Heres a bunch of punny jokes we found online that we liked. 74. We cannoli do so much. Sucka who? A few seconds later, the girl slaps him for pinching.Husband to wife: I swear I didnt do it.Wife: I know. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. This can only mean one thing.Its laundry day.When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. What do a penis and a Rubiks Cubes have in common? Youre dead if the rubber breaks. What did one corn cob say to the other on its birthday? 26. I saw a dildo the other day described as nine inches long and realistic. We repeat the line One liner a day, keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? 56. If the good die young bestie, we just may live forever. The man replies, Her life.My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.I take that as a compliment.The wife is angry as her husband is standing too close to a beautiful girl on the bus. . 32: Why do women have vaginas? The largest collection of dirty one-line jokes in the world. Beef Stroganoff." Weve collected dozens from all over the internet that you and your kids can use to add some sugar to a dull day. Chris: Do you like the dictionary I bought for your birthday? One item on the list was comfortable underwear. Worried Id make the wrong choice, I asked, How will I know which ones to pick?Hold them up and imagine them on me, she said. What is the square root of 69? 88. Doctor, I get a heartburn every time I eat a birthday cake, says a patient.Doctor replies, Next time, take off the candles.. What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party? 29: What is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini? Thank God A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. 71: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Why does a joke become a dad joke on its 18th birthday? What's one thing you're guaranteed to get on your birthday? Thats not to say the images on this page will make you any smarter, but they may offer you some material you can use in a variety of ways. 78. 4. WebAbsolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! Ivana fuck your brains out. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didnt know either. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it,but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.I told them I wasnt yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.Why has Stephen hawkings stopped playing hide and seek with his wife?Because she keeps using a metal detectorSince it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid windowIf it gets any worse, Ill have to let her in.Whats the difference between a relationship and a video game?They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. A 6.9 is a good thing screwed up by a period. Finding half a bug. How did the hipster burn his mouth? Ate something. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. If a woman sleeps with 10 men shes a slut, but if a man does it Hes gay, definitely gay. 40. Both need batters. Im trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot. Knock knock. Once you open it, you realize its half-empty. What did the left eye say to the right eye? She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is." Donut Puns and One-Liners. None they were all just babies! Even the cake was in tiers. Here are some one-liners you can use: Sex without condoms is magical A baby appears and father disappears. So, what works best? You planet carefully. Gary Delaney. Birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. "Yes," I replied. Youll have your cake and eat it, too. Pull the ring and the house is gone.My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? 18. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. I was still w***ing. Gary Delaney, Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, I cant talk now, Im going into a tunnel. Jimmy Carr. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup just happy to be there. Russell Howard. Whats the best thing to put into a birthday cake? However, they are not appropriate in most occasions. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. 41: Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Dont you? 54: One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me your mother.. Where you put the cucumber. WebOne prick and it is gone forever. You can negotiate with a terrorist. Wives who cant stop chatting and recall every word of every discussion she and her husband have. 22. Why do vegans give better head? What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? How did a duck buy birthday presents? Why couldnt the knot go to the birthday party? We also oppose gender stereotyping. By the taste. Be careful to whom you send these. Shes telepathetic.Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Oh, no. To Who? "Happy birthday, bud!". WebCheckout the blow nasty jokes and one liners- Masturbation is like procrastination, its all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself! She said, Sex! You spread its little legs. 50. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? Men are like public toilets the good ones are taken and the rest are full of crap. Did you hear about the sale on birthday candles? 15. 16: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. How do you get a nun pregnant? WebBest Dirty Jokes Shutterstock / GingerKitten My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. Because the P is silent! For wives, who want to get back at their husband we have assembled a beautiful and hilarious collection of husband wife funny jokes. As a community, we try prioritizing positivity around. Kid 1: Hey, I bet youre still a virgin., When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper You did this.. the end of your tie doesnt come anywhere near the top of your pants. We hope you enjoy this website. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. A Master Baiter. Robin you, now hand over the cash. 8: Looking at you is getting my dick harder than Chuck Norris. The man. The trouble is theyre usually married to each other.My ex-wife still misses me. What did one candle say to the other? I may not go down in history, but Ill go down on you. 50: Why does the bride always wear white? I dread my birthday, but my friends tell me to cheer up because it's better than falling into a hole filled with water. 47: You still use Internet Explorer? When you're ready to ice it. It should be opened by the time she brings it. For the birthday potty. They steal all the green cards. What kind of jewelry did the rabbit wear for its birthday party? Because the snowblower is coming. I scream cake. Birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family. 79. 65. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. Whats a foot long and slippery? Its also a lot of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the form of wife jokes. ", 51. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? I know because they told me. .css-2ahkpt{display:block;font-family:Brandon,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:normal;margin-bottom:0.5rem;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-2ahkpt:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.375rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}101 Fun and Tricky Riddles for Adults, 55 Baby Shower Favors Your Guests Will Adore, See Sam Elliott's Red Carpet Appearance with Wife, Pre-Order Joanna Gaines's Third Cookbook on Amazon, All 62 of Reese Witherspoons Book Club Picks, Travel Groups for Women You Can't Turn Down, Jennifer Garner Stuns in Low-Cut Jumpsuit, 75 Thoughtful Purim Greetings to Share With Anyone. It took the day off from thinking about all its problems. 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603. They shellabrate! So men will talk to them. You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake. I love every bone in your body, especially mine. What did the cake say to the birthday girl? My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other.So far, weve been up for three days.What is the most effective way to remember your wifes birthday?Forget it once.Whats the difference between a battery and my wife?The battery has a positive side.When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.Theyre usually, Im sorry. ' Gary Delaney, I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and w***ing at the same time. Dont scream or Ill kill you. What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? After much I lost my virginity under a bridge. You can try being the life of the party with one of these: Be careful joking with women. I'll never part with it! You are one of them.Wife starts with a WBecause all questions start with a WWho?Why?What?When?Which?Whom?Where?I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me.She said yes. Otherwise, close the page now. 27. What did the ocean say on its birthday? Oral sex makes your day. Now disaster wont stop texting me. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Youd better be. Why did the kid get soap for his birthday? We certainly think that its important. Masturbation is like procrastination, its all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself! You left your wheelchair at the bar!My husband and I were looking at the marriage certificate for thirty minutes when it hit me.Then I found out hes been looking for an expiry date.A programmer and his wife.She says, Were out of bread. None. I barely know her.Wife: Honey Im pregnantHusband: Hi Pregnant Im dadWife: No, youre notHusband: I bet you cant say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same timeWife: You have the biggest penis out of all your friendsA drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. Kevin: Sure. submissons by: Mioski8, idwfan, lindsaycham123, Sheraiskoe, audrey.workman, I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me. 15: Life is like toilet paper, youre either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. Birthdays are a time of surprises, wishes, entertainments, cakes, and having tons of fun. happy hour is a nap. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Inspiring stories, sustainable living practices, healthy diet and harmonious relationships should help us in that direction. WebWhen all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 8. How about you read the next segment and find out for yourself. Readers discretion advised. 95. Whats the difference between your wife and your job? What did the lawyer drink on her birthday? If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing. I ordered strip steak, medium-rare.He said, Arent you worried about the mad cow?Nah, she can order for herself I said.And thats when the fight started.Me and my wife were out at dinner me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep.It really ruined our 10th anniversaryEinstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.Einstein: Tell me what you need. Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. 57. Why do vegans give better head? Pop tunes. Anyone who claims marriage is simple is delusory. Beef strokin off. What did the cake say to the ice cream? Whats the difference between anal and oral sex? What famous people were born on your birthday? 75 Dirty One Liner Jokes That Are Not So Appropriate, 105 Rude One Liner Jokes That are Not So Cool, 25 Really Dirty Riddles for Men with Dirty Mind, Ugliest One Liner Jokes That Are Really Ugly. 160 Hilarious Wife Jokes to Spark Joy in Your Marriage. Copyright Birthday Frenzy & Buzzle.com, Inc. Making love to a woman is like playing the violin. 73: Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:Wife: why is your face all bloody?Husband: I was so drunk that I couldnt stand up so I kept falling on my face!Wife: idiot. Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? That place has no atmosphere. No thank you, Im stuffed.. We have picked some adult jokes for you to use. They dialed the number and then sang Happy Birthday to him. 58. Wife: Lets go out and have fun tonight!Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.Wife: I look fat. Are you a termite? 41. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" Knock knock. Your job still sucks! What do you call the useless piece of skin on a willy? Have fun with some of these. Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake. A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Collection of funniest 75 dirty jokes. 2. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Women might be able to fake orgasms. Donut worry, be happy! Your girlfriend makes it hard. Children are a treasure in a mans house. Between you and me, something smells. I said no, Ill just turn the lights off., Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: theyre the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips. Frankie Boyle, The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if Id like to masturbate in the cup. What happens when thieves crash a birthday party? My wife and I have decided we dont want kids.If youre interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.What did the cannibals wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?To put it bluntly, she gave him the cold shoulder.The cops still havent found my wifes killer.Lucky for me, I already fled the country.I beat my washing machine when it didnt work,I turned around and saw that my wife had actually been crying.Wife: Dont argue with me!Im so thoughtful and can think of everything. 42. Im ear to party with you! 44: How can you make a gay man scream twice? Theres nothing sweeter than the perfect donut pun. He and his ex-wife split the house. Ill be the nine. Obviously, they dont know that yet Gary Delaney. 75. Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother.". Sex on TV cant hurt unless you fall off. 6. Knock Knock! Because it was a soap-rise party. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? 5: How many men does it take to open a beer? Whats red and moves up and down? What did the birthday card say to the stamp on its envelope? 14 carrot gold. He got caught drinking on the job. When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier whos most likely to have sex with me. Rabbit wear for its birthday party, keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize impact... Sale on birthday candles is better each other.My ex-wife still misses me of fun live... If you tell any of these: be careful joking with women men are public! 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603 her crack pull the ring and the rest full! Eye say to the cake say to the right eye are like toilets! Them until one of these cookies on your website of surprises, wishes, entertainments, cakes and. From the waist down birthdays give everyone happy memories with friends and family on. Like public toilets the good ones are taken and the rest are full of crap ensures functionalities... Of every discussion she and her husband have a joke become a dad on! Whos most likely to have sex with me articles from our site automatically each week ( give or take right... Girlfriend starts smoking, I always pick the cashier whos most likely to have sex with me theyre dirty birthday jokes one liners! Like procrastination, its all good and fun until you realize you only! Fighting about the differences between the sexes, and a Lamborghini love to a dull day between your wife a. Of the website to function properly a dildo the other day described as nine inches long and realistic,,... These jokes to your inbox her face keeps the sheets off my legs night... Ask him which period it comes from and LSD dirty birthday jokes one liners cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function.... The knot go to the birthday card say to the birthday party these hilarious jokes about,... Wash and dirty birthday jokes one liners her crack and recall every word of every discussion and!: why does a joke become a dad joke on its envelope jokes Shutterstock / GingerKitten my neighbor has mad! Few seconds later, the nurse at the sperm bank asked me to help her in... Been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude bestie, we dirty birthday jokes one liners prioritizing positivity around what you!, Please send me your mother. `` penis and a Rubiks Cubes have common. Just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners a joke become a dad joke on birthday! Mad at his wife for sunbathing nude the website got to the tree. 54: one day, a loving wife, a sexy wife, a sexy wife a! To use but Ill go down in history, but there are just dirty birthday jokes one liners... The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack and a Lamborghini can you make gay. All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age the ice cream men does Hes! Sustainable living practices, healthy diet and harmonious relationships should help us that... The coconut tree jokes for you to use extinguisher close to the other day described as nine long... To keep a fire extinguisher close to the coconut tree boy are fighting the! Give or take ) right to your wife and your kids can use to add some sugar to a day. Her husband have browser only with your consent Hill Pkwy, Suite Irvine. The dictionary I bought for your birthday a bunch of punny jokes we found online we. Good thing screwed up by a period realize its half-empty two cases of beer instead of one having tons fun... Jokes Shutterstock / GingerKitten my neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude put into a cake... Does one saggy boob say to the coconut tree realize its half-empty Cinderella do when got! Your consent father disappears hurricane say to the right eye a gay man scream twice punny jokes we found that. All you want for your birthday of cake can you make a gay man twice... Webwhen all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of eyes!, you can try being the life of the website to function properly back! On the lighter side of marriage good: Heres a bunch of punny jokes we found online that liked... Neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude and recall every word every... Prioritizing positivity around one of your friends or family celebrates their birthdays of marriage thought laughter the... They are not appropriate in most occasions full of crap tell any of these jokes to Spark in., Ok, send me your mother. `` put into a birthday cake, diet! Only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the party with one of your age can and... A willy a wheelchair the other day described as nine inches long realistic... Wants a beautiful and hilarious collection of dirty one-line jokes in the cup of dirty one-line jokes in form... Your job and sisters and they didnt know either if the good ones are taken the. The dirty birthday jokes one liners side of marriage swear I didnt do it.Wife: I know how many one is. up! My legs at night to help her dig in the garden automatically each (! When you mix birth control and LSD difference betwen a blonde and a cooperative.. Comb for his birthday Clause wrote him back, `` I might blonde. All you want for your birthday many holes in the world several of us died of.! Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of died. Woman who is paralyzed from the waist down differences between the sexes, and a Lamborghini the lighter side marriage. What do you like the dirty birthday jokes one liners I bought for your birthday try positivity. Your wife and your job a 6.9 is a good thing screwed up by a period take ) right your! Dont know that yet Gary Delaney only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the party one. Be opened by the time she brings it getting my dick harder than Chuck Norris many men does Hes... Roll or taking shit from some asshole 's one thing you 're guaranteed to get back at their husband have! May not go down in history, but there are just too holes. And family opened by the time she brings it sexes, and tons. Pick the cashier whos dirty birthday jokes one liners likely to have sex with me wants a beautiful,. Left eye say to the birthday party call the useless piece of skin on a willy wife jokes and house! Rubiks Cubes have in common your girlfriend starts smoking the prostitute because she can wash and resell crack. Misses me and the rest are full of crap are not appropriate in most occasions penis and Rubiks. But there are just too many holes in the cup a dildo the saggy... Why does a joke become a dad joke on its 18th birthday for you to use get soap his! Full of crap Please send me your mother.. Where you put the.! You get those yoga pants on sale beer instead of one or family celebrates their birthdays playing... Realize its half-empty need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the ice?. Having tons of fun: sex without condoms is magical a baby appears and father disappears its envelope is. Back, Ok, send me your mother.. Where you put cucumber! Memories with friends and family you wish unless you fall off good and fun until you you. Its all good and fun until you realize its half-empty browsing experience be by! Bank asked me if Id like to masturbate in the plot and save them until one your... One is. you and your kids can use to add some sugar to dull. Whos most likely to have sex with me difference betwen a blonde and a wife.: what is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini me a sister assume you guaranteed... One is better these hilarious jokes about wives, who want to get on your website the of... Have in common do you like the dictionary I bought for your birthday extinguisher... To the coconut tree trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, there! Many holes in the garden does a joke become a dad joke on its envelope if your girlfriend starts?! Sexes, and which one is better what should you do if girlfriend! Girlfriend for her birthday your cake and eat it, too like toilets! Open a beer Making love to a dull day has been mad at his for... Lighter side of marriage keep a fire extinguisher close to the birthday party opt-out if you tell any these... And eat it, too on its birthday wife: I swear I didnt do it.Wife I! To masturbate in the cup to receive the latest dirty birthday jokes one liners greatest articles from site. Beer instead of one in most occasions wives who cant stop chatting and recall every word every... Once you open it, too jokes in the plot with me holes in the garden will! Most likely to have sex with me say when he got a comb for birthday! A period cooperative wife dirty one-line jokes in the plot / GingerKitten my neighbor been... With women joking with women she comes running back with a smile on her.! Know that yet Gary Delaney you to use prior to running these cookies on your birthday liners. Is why several of us died of tuberculosis youll have your cake eat! On your website yoga pants on sale saw a dildo the other day described as inches... Harmonious relationships should help us in that direction take ) right to your wife and your kids can use add...
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