People with Aspergers often have trouble reading nonverbal cues, such as body language or facial expressions. Whats Biblical to one set of people may be totally unbibilcal to another set of sincere believers. Another challenge is that people with Aspergers often have a lot of hidden talents and gifts, as well as strong emotional intelligence. I have a spa pillow cushioning my head and back and I could choose to simply enjoy this moment. But I Do Not understand why I am having to identify something(? So if someone with Aspergers constantly feels under pressure, they may find it harder to control their emotions and behavior. One sign could be poor motor skills. Or worst case, does he use it as an excuse to be cruel and harsh towards you? I know my husband pursued me heavily when we were dating. My husband is often unable to do things that he does not usually feel comfortable doing. It can be difficult when you are married to someone who has Aspergers. But not literally. My husband is his own secret island. Having said that, Mantra Care professionals are always here to help you. The Cassandra Phenomenon is a definite. This book specifically addresses the touchy issues of sex, rage, divorce and shame and gives a glimpse of the "inner workings" of these relationships. If he is so unsociable, how did he court you? Forbearance is a Biblical term meaning learning to accept a fault or a weakness without resentment or rancor. Persons with AS/ASD are good at masking their disability by role playing and copying other's behavior. The "bumps in his socks" was a common joke amongst his family, because no one really understood why something so simple and seemingly insignificant could be . One negative effect is that I can feel overwhelmed at times. In my work with hundreds of neurodiverse couples (where one or both partners are Asperger's/autistic), and have found that those who really apply themselves daily to working on the above behaviors are the ones that are able to create happy, healthy, long-term relationships. The damage done unintentionally by my husband who has Aspergers, feels as though it is intentional. This can include things like always needing to have a specific routine, or doing the same thing over and over again. Some people with Aspergers syndrome manage to forge successful relationships despite their condition. Our first counselor completely missed it and told me my needs are too great and I need to adjust them (trust me they arent or I never would have made it this long). If things have escalated to the point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to. Other tensions within a marriage such as finances and children can add other layers of stress on top ofliving with Aspergers spouse. Linda, please please please listen to me as a clinician. Not a good combo. My experience sounds almost word-for-word like yours. When you decide to leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a solid plan in place. But I need a divorce. Another challenge could be difficulty communicating needs to others due to the fact that he often doesnt know how to ask for what he wants or feels too overwhelmed by social situations. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. You dont have to go through this alone. If you say, I want you to buy me flowers for Shabbos, and they buy you flowers, this indicates that you want them to make you happy. Therefore, its important that the ASD partner is vigilant against being defensive and takes responsibility instead. Todays Question: I want to ask you about an Aspergers/ Neurotypical marriage. Dont doubt what your partner says just because they dont phrase it like you would. Are there any Christian books clearly discussing this? What resources have you found helpful? How do I get him to recognize this?? Additionally, with other layers of unions that involve, interracial, same-sex, physical or mental abilities would present with their own layers of challenges and strengths. Please reach out for help if you are feeling unsafe or unhappy in your marriage. Also building a strong network of church, friends, and family who can mirror back to me that I matter and I AM loved and valued. I am very fearful of how incapable of caring for the children he is. I also recommend reading Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge? Slow down.. I literally looked at him one day and said I am genuinely worried that I am going to hurt myself. Ive been practicing living more in the moment lately and I have to tell you its freeing. Is your safety or sanity unimportant because hes ill? I will miss this beautiful state and my sweet grandkids, but Im ready to get back into my own home. When a person is autistic, he or she requires that expressions of affection be tailored to what he or she desires and requires. Blessings to all who are dealing with this. That compounded the damage. For me, I dont want to miss the beauty and goodness of the moment because Im not paying attention. The woman who wrote this letter could be experiencing both AS and destructive uncaring. I have worked with women who have chosen to leave without guilt and those who have chosen to stay without resentment. And importantly, he refuses to be defined by it. The decision to leave someone, regardless of the circumstances, rests on expectations about what leaving will do to you and/or your partner. If you are feeling unsafe or unhappy in your marriage, it is important to reach out for help. Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. I'm married for 35 yrs and my husband has AS. But there are certain challenges that you must be aware of if you are contemplating living with Aspergers spouse. I struggle trying to maintain the house and have to pay people to do most things now. For this reason, these people may choose to remain isolated rather than take part in activities where they feel uncomfortable or anxious about what could happen if someone rejects them because of how they act or look. He considers all money his and reacts like a child if i point out my contributions or the fact that i need something. He let me know he was only attracted to short blond and young women. Maybe there's something wrong with me," she said. If you are able to work together and understand each others needs, then you can have a successful and happy relationship. Make it a point every day to let go of the little things about your partner that annoy you. It can be both an emotional and a logistical relief to discover that you have Aspergers Syndrome or to be married to someone who does. Yeah. If this is how you feel, then it may be time to consider leaving your husband. This may be the worst silent treatment I've received from my husband in the 17 years we have been together. I have lowered my expectations relentlessly. The parts about if someone were diagnosed with such and such but was truly wanting to work on the marriage then they would essentially show itand the examples involving removing ones self from a toxic situation that was making one feel crazy. People who suffer from low self-esteem often find it difficult to be social because they are so afraid of being rejected by others for something not within their control (something like having Aspergers). Understanding his way of thinking here is not a problem of his Aspergers, it's a problem of him being an asshole and you being way too nice a person for him. It can make key relationships, such as empathy and trust, difficult to build and maintain if it is not addressed. I do care about him but cannot call it love at this point. Therefore, the following tips can be really useful in managing your emotions: Becoming self-aware can be something that many autistic individuals come to later in life. Ive used the pronoun they/them/theirs to represent both the ASD and non-spectrum partner so that individuals of all genders are included. It's an autism spectrum disorder. Some people with AS may feel less outward or have fewer facial expressions than they should. When it seemed like things overall were not changing, and I was constantly disappointed that he didnt seem to be responding to what I thought were simple pleas for what might help me be able to function better in the relationship, I still clung on but now for very selfish reasons (fear of leaving, not wanting to lose a home). These resources can provide you with immediate help. You will be able to teach your husband social behavior that is less awkward and rude because he functions at a high level of cognitive ability. No need to stay! It takes a dose of selflessness and humility to become aware of both our strengths and our weaknesses. One is that they may not be able to read social cues well, which can make it hard to know when an argument is about to happen. I think this revelation and the stupidity I feel for not having figured it out (I had entertained the idea but not seriously apparently) has taken all of the wind out of my sails. People with Aspergers often have difficulty with change, so it is important to be there for your husband when he is struggling. . Deb. The brain of a person with this neurological problem works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. However, monopolizing a conversation (even when unintentional) can get in the way of a two-way communication flow. After completing an onlin. Have a blog question you'd like to submit? When your partner points out something you need to improve on, take a deep breath and pause before responding. He will unintentionally do some things that upset you. He took my sister off as my beneficiary and put his son down (my step son)as my beneficiary if we both should die. DepressionStressWorkplace IssuesRelationshipSleep, About UsBlogContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseRefund PolicyLocations. Thats why there is a need for a specific diagnosis for someone married to an AS. People on the spectrum often have a special interest topic that they fixate on. Sadly many people with AS arent aware of their deficits and are not willing to work on anything. This is a stark contrast to the relationships I have seen between those without Aspergers Syndrome and their partners. Answer (1 of 83): From the first day I met my husband, I've always thought of him as a weirdo. However, I think I can answer your question and refer you to a few other resources that may help you as well. Some people may be high-functioning and able to live relatively normal lives. It describes those who are living with chronic relational trauma, especially identified in the Autism/NT marriage. Your Asperger husband wants to meet your needs and make you happy, but needs the tools to do so. (Although once hes clues in, he will need to be willing to work with you if repair is to take place.). My youngest is now 21. One common sign is that my husband often avoids making eye contact. I don't mean to say anything bad about him. He is obsessed with counting our investments on a daily basis. First, before I answer your question let me give a disclaimer that I am not an expert on Aspergers or Autism Spectrum disorder as its better defined these days. He said he only looks a girls under age 25 otherwise there is nothing to look at. Then Im asked to identify palm trees, not enough again.Then it was motorcycles. This is because I have made an effort for us to be together. Say less, comment less. Aspergers is a neurodevelopmental disorder. It is often referred to as autism spectrum disorder or high-functioning autism instead. My son is on the spectrum as well. I intuitively knew he could not regulate his emotions. They can focus for hours striving to master their giftedness. This has been my experience completely. . It feels right and it feels good to have joy once again. There can be many negative effects if my husband has Aspergers. Another negative effect is that our relationship can be one-sided at times. However, over time, understanding their needs has become second nature to me which gives me patience when communicating his wants and needs in social situations. She believes her husband has Aspergers syndrome, despite the fact that he is on the autistic spectrum. He ignores them, neglects them, treats them like 2 yos when they are beyond that, gaslights them, puts them in dangerous situations, makes them late, forgets their basic self-care stuff (hair, teeth, homework, eating healthy). Lastly, another negative effect is that I can be stressed and exhausted all the time. This gift can lead them to become experts in their fields of study. Respect their point of view. This can make it difficult to form and maintain relationships. This sign can be difficult to spot if youre not familiar with Aspergers. It can be difficult or seemingly impossible to understand your partner with Aspergers syndrome. Dont cut your partner off when theyre speaking. Leslie, I was presented an option by our counselor to leave the marriage due to an intellectually locked heart, temporal values, among other issues, or stay practicing forbearance. I have a respect for you that I never thought I would: for who you are, who you have become and. "I think my husband has Asperger's. I don't know, though. I have suspected my husband of 40 years has Asperger's for the last year. Repeat after me, Life happensits okoh well. I know theyre children and thats different , but I see that its not hopeless, at least at that point. I can enjoy the pillow that holds my head back comfortably, the soothing smell of lavender, and the silkiness of the soap bubbles against my dried-out skin. However, there are still some challenges that they face that other people dont. Focus on them and what theyre saying vs. thinking of your response. We existed like this for 6 and a half years after which I told him to move out of our bed. I can talk with him about it. But the general areas of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors affecting family, work and community are: emotional hyperarousal states, interpersonal difficulties, social awkwardness, empathy, physical intimacy, hygiene, grooming, higher risks for OCD, ADHD and anxiety. Please choose yourself Linda. For example, I was taking a bath, something I rarely do, but had played pickleball and was all sweaty. It has been so damaging to me though. Take the garbage out of your mind daily! , If you cant seem to let go of an issue, ask to set a time to discuss it (in or out of our couples counseling session.). When in doubt, go with your partners point of view. Asperger's syndrome (as it used to be called) is a developmental disorder along the Autism Spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. If you are feeling trapped or suffocated in the relationship, it is essential that you tell him how you feel. He owned the house before I came along. Rigidity and inflexible thinking can also be another ASD trait that many people struggle with. Deep concern? The concept of unrequited love is that it exists despite layers of pain. My husband has a hard time deciphering sarcasm and jokes. Years and years of dealing with something is not right and learning and further research of Aspergers, it all makes sense. That is something you must wrestle through and talk to God about. Hi, I'm new. These adaptations necessary as a child still maintain a powerful influence in adulthood. If someone experiences a lot of stress in their life, this can trigger the symptoms of Aspergers. I love him dearly and know he is a good person and has love in him. My husband has Aspergers means that the male spouse in the relationship may be having a neurological disorder that is categorized within the autism spectrum. Autistic parents may have strong relationships with their children. I have a friend who is dealing with this very thing, and I plan to forward this to her. They interpret language literally and may have trouble understanding idioms, metaphors, and figures of speech. There are many difficult decisions to make when you are married. Thank you Leslie for this blog and for all that you do for us (me). The difference, Id say, is that the narcissist is malicious, whereas the person with ASD is clueless. 2.6K Followers. It is important for you to consider your decision carefully before making a final choice. They like routine, are resistant to change, and have trouble managing their own emotions appropriately; especially when something unexpected happens or they are under stress. Id encourage you to look for some videos by Dr. Stephanie Homes (www.counselorstephanieholmes.com) I just did an interview with her and she specializes in working with people who are on the autism spectrum and also helping their spouses understand the impact and what to do. We can continue living our lives to the fullest. If you need to consult with a mental health professional, they may be able to assist you. There is no cure for this condition and it will never get any. Once you have a better understanding of the condition, it will be easier for you to make a decision about your future. 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